Well, I honestly can't say the dust has settled on this surprise diagnosis. We're all still shell shocked. My husband wakes up at 4 am every morning to fold laundry and cry alone. Poor man howls like a fighting cat opera.
We've told the kids we have cancer, but not how bad it is. We'll deal with death when it's more immediate.
I hate hate HATE my current oncologist. He is condescending. He doesn't listen. I have to ask him the same question three times to actually get a straight answer out of him. He refused to give me anything for my nausea on my first visit, because he wanted to run blood work-- the same blood work my regular doctor just ran-- and wait for the results. So, I had to suffer two extra weeks struggling to eat and not throw up.
I don't know. I'm sure he's a wonderful doctor for someone, but not for me. He is just kind of shruggy about my whole situation. I want the guy who's treating me to care more about my cancer and my kids than to just shrug about my prospects.
Thankfully, I have an appointment with the kidney cancer group at OSU cancer center on Friday. I hope to find a doctor who wants to actually help me there. I'll be devastated if I don't.
As for the death prep. Yay.
I'm trying to figure out everything I need to do.
This is what I've come up with, and PLEASE please tell me if I miss anything.
1. Make sure dh is the beneficiary of my IRA accounts
2. Both of the online savings accounts are in my name. I need to put them in his name. He's already the death beneficiary.
3. Write down EVERYTHING for him. All the passwords. What goes in what account and when. Names/ check up routines for the kids doctor's and dentists. Names of the people who've fixed the house. Can you tell I've handled EVERYTHING since kids?
4. Get a will. I need to talk to someone. My name is on the house. Not sure what I need to do about that. Want to make sure there's no doubt where the money should go.
5. Save as much money as I possibly can. Seriously.
In other news, treatment begins next week, with one doctor or the other. I'll need a hail mary, guys. There are only two therapies for stage 4 kidney cancer, so I don't have a lot of options if the first one doesn't work.
Grumpy oncologist says I have six months with either no treatment or if the drugs don't work, and I really have more work to do in life than that.
Thanks for all of your support.
Next steps
January 16th, 2018 at 09:31 pm
January 16th, 2018 at 09:44 pm 1516139051
January 16th, 2018 at 09:49 pm 1516139347
January 16th, 2018 at 09:57 pm 1516139872
I can't help but think of a client of mine who outlived a deadly brain cancer diagnosis by about 8 years (living 8 years longer than average). When he passed, he had not left his wife as beneficiary on his accounts and it was a whole mess. Complicated because I know with brain cancer you aren't exactly thinking straight either. But anyway, that is the worst thing you can do to your family. So yes of course, get it done, but also know that what you are doing is very kind and helpful to your husband.
As to the will, hire a professional and don't be cheap about it. For the same reasons. You just don't want to leave an unintended mess behind.
{{HUGS}}
January 16th, 2018 at 10:01 pm 1516140073
As far as the house being in your name, that should not be a problem; just make sure it is willed to him. If you just get a will, then it will go through probate. How big and expensive a deal that depends on which state you are in. If you are in CA, then your attorney will probably advise you to get a trust and put the house in the name of the trust, but if you are in a state with relatively simple low-cost probate like we have here in PA, it's not a big deal. Once DH inherits the house, he'll get a step-up in basis which will reduce taxable gains if he sells it.
Do videos and letters for the kids.
And I pray that you find a more compassionate and helpful oncologist, STAT!!!
And hugs. I think of you and your plight often.
January 16th, 2018 at 10:10 pm 1516140655
January 16th, 2018 at 10:22 pm 1516141356
I am rooting for you! I hope you find a better doctor. Your current one might be knowledgeable but the knowledge doesn't do either one of you any good if he doesn't listen to you.
January 16th, 2018 at 10:31 pm 1516141878
My only advise would be to take lots of pictures together with your kids and husband. They will cherish these always.
January 16th, 2018 at 11:37 pm 1516145841
I know sounds simple, but one thing that is important is to have all your medical folks know your husband can talk to them. We had to sign documents so that we can talk to nurses and doctors. We had an issue with my husband's mom because she refused and getting things straightened around.
Praying for you!
January 17th, 2018 at 12:12 am 1516147943
Here is a sample of a common form ("Five Wishes"), but you can use anything:
https://agingwithdignity.org/docs/default-source/default-document-library/product-samples/fwsample.pdf?sfvrsn=2
You may also want to consider some legacy activities for your kids, like writing letters for them at different ages/occasions, etc.
January 17th, 2018 at 12:13 am 1516148009
Praying for you, your husband, children and extended family and friends.
January 17th, 2018 at 01:40 am 1516153229
It is important to find a doctor you resonate with. You must be heard, and you must be allowed to have hope.
You are in my thoughts daily.
January 17th, 2018 at 05:08 am 1516165733
January 17th, 2018 at 08:39 am 1516178358
The bank accounts were a mess, too, but at least her name was on them with survivorship. If you have multiple accounts, clean them up now. Downsize to one or two and leave clear directives on what is going on. We are still trying to figure out the bank accounts two months later. FIL had a system, but no one else knows what it was.
January 17th, 2018 at 03:14 pm 1516202081
MM is right about SS survivor benefits, but the earliest they can be claimed is age 60, so they help in the long run but not the immediate future. However, the children will be able to collect Survivor SS until either they graduate high school or 2 months after turning 19, whichever comes first.
"When Breath Becomes Air" and "The Brightest Hour" might provide inspiration from younger people who have faced similar terminal diagnoses.
Thoughts and prayers.
January 17th, 2018 at 06:02 pm 1516212137
This is not true when there are kids. Kids + spouse will all get benefits (though spouse's benefits would be limited by earnings). There is a family max. The children will collect benefits but is meant for their financial support. It would be generally expected to use that money to pay household bills. I know someone like thrift may want to set all that money aside for her kids to have as adults. But if she hadn't realized or thought of this, still could be a financial load off. I would discuss with social worker/lawyer, but you can look at your social security statement in the meantime to see what the benefits would be.
"If you can pay the child's medical and general living expenses without the monthly benefit, the SSA allows you to use it for clothing, recreation and other miscellaneous expenses." ~ Just to say it's pretty generous what kids' SS benefits are intended for.
{Personally I am pulling for the miracle and hoping none of this is necessary. But anything to ease your stress in the meantime}.
January 17th, 2018 at 11:02 pm 1516230142
January 17th, 2018 at 11:04 pm 1516230283
This is terrible but what happens if (it's very likely) your DH will remarry? If he does and men usually do really fast with children, will anything you've built up go into his new joint pot? Do you want it to?
I hate writing this but I think someone should.
January 17th, 2018 at 11:57 pm 1516233422
Are there keepsakes that no one else knows the history about? Maybe write down what it is and why its important.
Thrift- I am heartbroken for all of you. You have been in my thoughts daily. I continue to pray for your hail mary....
January 18th, 2018 at 02:34 pm 1516286063
What about the future royalties/sales from your books? Will your husband get that and be able to deal with it?
I hate to be the one to ask, but what about burial arrangements? Is your husband aware of what you would want or don't want?
January 18th, 2018 at 02:41 pm 1516286501
https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf
My heart breaks for you and your family. Never give up.
January 18th, 2018 at 04:58 pm 1516294708