I have a confession: I am not good at family life. I don't enjoy it at all.
Let me preface that by saying I L-O-V-E love my children. I would die if anything happened to them.
But there is a big BUT
I don't like being a parent. Frankly, I think it sucks. I take care of two boys under two from 8:30 a.m. to 9 p.m., from 9 p.m. to midnight every night I clean the house, do the dishes and laundry, take a shower, and then I have to WORK. Yes, I am blessed that I can work from home, but while hubby is downstairs playing video games or reading, I basically have to "go into the office." (and much of this time, I have to listen to our youngest yell and scream from his crib or the older one keeps getting out of bed and trying to walk around the house. It never ends. )
There is no downtime. Usually, I can manage this. It's like my daily marathon. But, when something is thrown into the mix, it's very stressful.
The stress really starts when we try to take the kids somewhere. Every time I leave the house with both kids, my stress level hits the roof, and it stays there, no matter what is happening. It just stays at a sustained high level until we get home.
Tonight, we went bowling. Bean was all over the place, jumping into other peoples' lanes, running all around. He runs off. It scares me to death, because it takes him 10 seconds to make it 30 yards, and he is wily and quick. Once, he managed to get away from me at a community barbecue, and I couldn't find him for 10 minutes, and I literally thought I was going to die.
This would be hard enough, but throw in the 9 month old, who is crawling and cruising, and it's almost unbearable for me. Hubby doesn't understand why I just "can't relax."
I want to, I just can't. He somehow magically thinks everything will be okay, while I feel like things are only okay if someone makes sure it is okay, which unfortunately is always me.
I feel stuck at home a lot. Bean gets to go places and do activities with an "aunt" (really one of my friends) and grandma. But hubby always complains I don't take the two of them out more to do more things just the three of us.
I feel like I can't handle the two of them alone.
I did try to take them to a play place at the mall. I thought it would be perfect. But bean kept running out, because he saw a gumball machine. So there I was, hauling 50 pounds of backpacks, car seat and little brother jut trying to keep him in eyes view while he ran all over. It was a nightmare.
Bean needs a dedicated adult, just to keep him from running away or into traffic.
I feel like a bad parent, always being stressed out when we leave the house, alone or as a family, but I don't know if there is a solution. I am hoping this feeling will go away as they get older and more capable, rather than being a toddler and a baby, but I don't know. I see my friends with older kids and in some ways, it looks like it just gets worse.
How do all of you deal with this (or in the past, dealt with it?) Am I losing my mind? I sure feel like it. And will I ever get a good night;s sleep ever again?
How do you do it? I'm failing
August 11th, 2010 at 03:25 am
August 11th, 2010 at 03:53 am 1281495232
The only way I stay sane right now is by reading books. Lots and lots of fiction books just to escape. If I'm too busy to sit and read, I can get books on cd to listen to while I'm doing something else.
I find that if I relax some and lower my expectations for my kids, I handle the bad behavior better. Definitely not a free-for-all for the kids, but I just come down a notch or two and I usually feel less stressed. Makes it easier to course-correct when I feel like I can breathe.
My son (8) sounds just like your Bean. He was high energy and running all around at that age (still is/does). If he's engaged in something specific (puzzles, games, whatever works), he's focused and happy to stay put. I think when they're bored they're more likely to drive you nuts.
These days will pass, believe me. Just be sure to schedule some time during the day for yourself (naptime worked well for me). Hang in there!
August 11th, 2010 at 04:04 am 1281495850
I was reading something rather recently about life being very relative. We adapt to new situation quickly, but everything is very relative to where we are now or recently. I think having a 5/7 year old is DIVINE. My Grandma was mentioning how exhausted I must be or something. I thought, "This is a piece of cake!" Of course, anything is, after having an infant and a toddler. I was thinking how relative it is, in that regard. HAving two young kids may not be the easiest thing ever, but it sure seems like a break to me. (Hopefully that is encouraging).
I think the worst part is the lack of sleep. That definitely gets better. People tell me all the time, "You'll never sleep again." But honestly, if you "train" them well - they sleep fine past age 1 or 2. & I use the term "train" loosely. We just kind of trusted our instincts, thought good sleep habits were of high importance to us.
Beyond that, you are definitely not alone. I think honestly, you, like most moms, could use more help. Even in the thick of it, I've always had a lot of help. While my SAHM friends marvel how I work - I always appreciated the BREAK. I just knew myself and knew I couldn't handle being home. I absolutely refused to stay home with the kids. I'd go crazy!
August 11th, 2010 at 04:07 am 1281496069
http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/#content
August 11th, 2010 at 04:10 am 1281496205
My friend said it's just extra hard now because you have to "watch" then in different ways at these ages. I don't know if I explained that well, but I know what she means. I have to make sure the cruiser isn't falling over while he learns to walk, while also having a crazy toddler who doesn't get that it's not okay to run into the road or off into a crowd without mommy.
Ugh. I wanted them to be close in age because I wanted to get all the diapers and staying home all day out of the way in a shorter time frame. Now it seems overwhelming. I hope it will pay off later.
August 11th, 2010 at 04:10 am 1281496239
It is HARD to be a parent. HARD.
My advice? Don't take them places for a while unless you have help. They don't need to get out, really they don't. Leave them both with your husband in the evening and go grocery shopping then. And park or mall play area? Forget it. You have a beautiful backyard, and it's plenty!
I would look for a toddler story time at the library. Those library ladies are usually pretty good at getting the kids to sit quietly for a few minutes. Cost, I know, but you might look for a gymnastics class if you think he needs a "different" play environment.
I had many challenging days during the 9 years I stayed home. MANY. It's a hard job. It seemed simple--entertain the kids and keep the house clean, but it just isn't. Your kids sound like mine, too--super inquisitive, super energetic. My best friend's kids had a completely different energy level and I finally had to cut back on my time with her because I couldn't stand watching her kids sit quietly on a blanket at the park while mine ran wild.
Hang in there. You are doing so many things right. Your kids are healthier staying home (not catching day care bugs), and you are making a difference. I swear you will blink and they'll be going to college. Try to find the amusing or cute in everything. (What spunk! That little bean running off!)
Good luck!
August 11th, 2010 at 04:42 am 1281498121
August 11th, 2010 at 04:43 am 1281498225
I couldn't stand watching her kids sit quietly on a blanket at the park while mine ran wild. That's exactly how I feel.
I have kept Bean home as long as I can. He really needs to get out in the world more, so now he goes to his fake "aunt's" house 2x a week to play with her 10-year old and my friend's 19 month old. He is also starting 3-hour 2x a week preschool later this month. They have a lot of great activities. I think he will really like it. He gets out of control restless if he's at home for a whole day, so having 4 days of the week where he has regular activities is going to be a great help.
And, I can then spend some one-on-one time with the little guy, and get some freelance work and some groceries done. At least that's the plan...
August 11th, 2010 at 04:58 am 1281499096
August 11th, 2010 at 05:02 am 1281499365
August 11th, 2010 at 05:07 am 1281499649
I have to say your "story" is exactly why I never wanted two babies so close together. It works well for some, but I don't think I could deal with it!
What about more help from dad? Has he ever taken the two of them somewhere by himself? That might help him understand the stress a bit better. Preschool will be such a help too.
Most of all - Give yourself a break! You are a good mama as far as I can tell. Don't be too hard on yourself! And it's okay to just relax at night sometimes and forget about the cleaning etc..
August 11th, 2010 at 05:29 am 1281500995
August 11th, 2010 at 06:30 am 1281504623
One trick is to just try to stay a step ahead, but it is exhausting. I always felt like I was running along behind the kids, catching things as they fell and cleaning as they made messes. The sleep thing will get better, and so will the kids!
And I did resort to "the drive" on a fairly regular basis. My kids were so active that once they sat still for any length of time, they fell right to sleep. So, I packed a book and drove. When they fell asleep, I pulled over in the shade and read. Then I felt like I got some relaxing time. If I was home, I would just clean/work while they slept, and I never felt recharged.
August 11th, 2010 at 01:32 pm 1281529957
I think between 4 to 12, they are just the best age range. They are simply wonderful. Little people who, for the most part, can take care of themselves.
To me, the age range you describe is the most difficult. Please hang in there!
August 11th, 2010 at 03:02 pm 1281535346
I said I would NEVER hire help for anything. Not while able bodied. Um, that quickly changed when we had kids. (We hired a gardener, so no worrying about the yard, which we had NO time for, but I am not a neat freak and don't care about house cleaning so much. I just don't spend a lot of time on it. If I were a neat freak? Hired help all the way. IT's only temporary. Things will settle down eventually).
I have two high energy boys. I honestly don't remember ever taking the kids out, alone (without dh's help). & he wasn't big on it either. I would encourage not to do it if it is that difficult. They'll be fine. Take them out on nights or weekends with a friend or your husband to help. My husband used to do grocery shopping when I got home from work. I mean, we must have had SUPER sheltered kids, but obviously they get out plenty with age.
I have 2 HIGH energy boys. My eldest son ran off all the time when he was 2-3. The good thing when they are a little older (2 boys close in age?) is that they will play together. Now, they can play together for hours and I don't have to do much but check once in a while to make sure they don't destroy the house. 90% of the time they are totally fine on their own, any more.
Having them close in age makes it super hard early on, but I think makes it easier as they age a bit. So, all the hard work will pay off?
August 11th, 2010 at 03:07 pm 1281535629
I would think long and hard about spending the money for your sanity. I think it's sometimes hard to admit that you need help, or to spend the money if you are home anyway. But, the fact is that it takes a village to raise a child. These days, people want to do it on their own. I don't know very many people happy in that situation.
I do hope at least something I have said helps a bit. I don't mean to go on and on!
August 11th, 2010 at 03:51 pm 1281538265
Can you hire a "mother's helper" or a babysitter in training to give you some relief during the day? Like two eleven year olds who LOVE babies. These girls are often happy to fold towels, unload dishwashers, etc. Ask your neighbors or DH's colleagues if they have neices, daughters, etc. It is a good starting place to offer you some well-needed time to do other things.
I also wouldn't suggest taking two young kids bowling. I only say this as the mother of five children in seven years. The worst moment ever was when there were only four of them five and under and we were at the top of the Arch in St. Louis. I missed the fact that it had a curved floor and my clausterphobia kicked in during my DH wanting to take a picture. It was a full fledged panic attack right after that -- I've got the picture to prove it.
Anyhow, it will get better, that said until then here are some options: Have you thought about storytime at the library? Mine has a great program for kids of all ages for 30 minutes, time enough for the older one to listen, etc. Do you have a YMCA where you can check the kids in to the playroom and you can work out? Our Y offers the babysitting for free - your kids can get some experience going out and you can get a workout. Do you have friends who are moms with kids that you can meet at the park?
August 11th, 2010 at 04:00 pm 1281538853
August 11th, 2010 at 04:58 pm 1281542305
As for cleaning, I only do basic maintenance stuff at night-- load the dishes, put in the laundry and wash the diapers, and clean the bottles. The house is a total mess. Right now, we only clean what we have to to get by!
I am hoping things will get better soon. Swim, and MM, it sounds like we're raising the same kids. Right now, Bean goes to "aunt's" house 2x a week for 4 hours. When he starts preschool this month, it will be 2 more days a week at 3 hours each, so he'll have a regular activity 4 days a week. This will hopefully allow me more time to freelance and hopefully time to get in a yoga class or something.
We do have hourly sitting at the gym, but Bean freaks out when I leave him there and cries until I come back. The ladies are never happy to see him come back. I think he's just going through a really "I want mommy" phase. At least, I'm hoping.
August 11th, 2010 at 05:04 pm 1281542685
I wish the "it takes a village" statement had never gotten so ruined by politics. When mine was an infant to toddler, I felt very strongly the absence of the village. It felt so wrong, so abnormal to me that here we were sequestered in a bubble of a home all day every day, with little interaction with loving people and really quite plainly isolated from meaningful society.
Oh, I'll confess. I had one of those placid content-on-a-blanket children. We'd go to the park and he would play only with the pebbles in the playground, not try out the climbing, swinging, sliding, running, and jumping. My child never darted away from me. He seemed to be born thinking the world was a dangerous place and that he should not tempt fate. (A personality like that is its own parenting challenge, though so different than yours.) And as swimgirl says, he stayed true to that through his childhood- introverted, low key, self-contained. It just is who he is, not so much a product of my own parenting. Your own child's high energy get-into-everything exploration is coming from within himself-- not from your parenting.
But it is your parenting that will keep him alive through it so he can live to cliff dive, skate board the edges of skyscrapers, and conquer the Colorado river on a surfboard come age 18.
Even with my supposedly remarkably well behaved toddler, it took all the energy I could muster to take care of him in the way I thought best. I still had to be hawk-eyed, even though he didn't need it nearly so much as many kiddos. It was indeed so exhausting that I wondered how in the world other people could more than one child! Much less more than one really active child.
Hang in there.
August 12th, 2010 at 05:21 pm 1281630102
Today she said maybe I'll take him once every other week. !!!$%#@*$&
She said, "Well, you know what he's like."
Yeah, I do and that's why I need your help!!! So much for my career. No extra freelance now, because mom backed out. So now, I make $600 a month before taxes and pay $550 a month AFTER taxes for childcare. Great.
August 12th, 2010 at 10:51 pm 1281649895
August 13th, 2010 at 02:01 am 1281661270
August 13th, 2010 at 03:01 am 1281664865
Shame on grandma!!
August 13th, 2010 at 12:09 pm 1281697743
August 13th, 2010 at 12:12 pm 1281697921
August 14th, 2010 at 02:09 am 1281748169
August 14th, 2010 at 02:04 pm 1281791096
It will get better when they get older but that is years away and you need to be able to enjoy your life NOW. I went through the same thing when my kids were very young, wanting to be home with them all the time and feeling guilty when I was overwhelmed or resentful of the demands of parenting.
I have two kids. My daughter nearly killed me, she was so high-energy, she had a very bad case of the terrible twos. My son was very much like Joan's, he is a very cautious kid-he is definitely not of those who wants to explore or push his limits. As a mom, that relieves me but I also worry about that also because he need to take a chance sometimes but he won't. You see, it's worrisome on both sides of the coin.
So to summarize, do the daycare thing a couple of days a week and don't even dare to try to fill that time with being "productive". Just relax and enjoy yourself. You will feel like a better person and they will be JUST FINE. Trust me.
August 14th, 2010 at 02:33 pm 1281792822
I'd pick a bone with that young man if I were your Mum or M-i-love!
August 14th, 2010 at 03:32 pm 1281796355
August 15th, 2010 at 07:23 am 1281853403
August 15th, 2010 at 10:15 pm 1281906939
I'm not a parent, of course, so you can totally discount what I say, but just hope you're getting the support you need from your spouse.
August 16th, 2010 at 09:02 pm 1281988948
I didn't get any relief until I started working part-time (out of the house) when the youngest was two. I didn't make any money after the daycare; I worked to preserve my sanity.
I tell you this to let you know it is a very, very hard time of life, and it doesn't help when everyone goes on and on about how wonderful it is. Yes, your kids are wonderful, and you love them to death, and you have moments that are off-the-charts joyous, but STILL -- it is very difficult and stressful.
It will get better.
Do everything you can to make it less stressful now. I agree, DON'T go out if it's awful; your kids will not be ruined by spending more time at home. Don't compare yourself or your children to others, everyone is different and there is no blame attached. Try designating one day a week as a completely lazy day -- just do the necessities and relax, relax, relax. You need it. It's crucial, for you and for your children.
My little hellions are now in their thirties and they are both wonderful men, starting families of their own. They have more than paid back in a million ways for all the stress I endured when they were little. Someday you will be there, too, and doting on your grandchildren. Hang in there.
August 17th, 2010 at 12:00 am 1281999658
August 18th, 2010 at 04:26 am 1282101980
August 19th, 2010 at 06:04 pm 1282237493
August 21st, 2010 at 10:48 am 1282384122
August 21st, 2010 at 10:50 am 1282384228
August 22nd, 2010 at 03:16 pm 1282486574
"NONONONONONO!"
The kids is sweet, but he's very opinionated!
August 22nd, 2010 at 10:54 pm 1282514049
I have 5 from 2 months to 8 years old. And while they are a LOT of work, I find it is easier if I have a plan that I can ignore.
Your kid sounds very curious and high energy. Two very good things for learning, and growing. And very hard things for moms.
My personal experience with very small kids is that containment, and entertainment work wonders for a small nap. I would honestly shut the door of the kids bedroom, pull out a big bucket of duplos and sleep while they played. Yep I could sleep with noisy duplos in the background, so long as I knew they were safe sleep was easy.
Also it seems he doesn't know quite how to behave in public. He might need some solo visits with you short for the sole purpose of practice on how far he can go. if he breaks down in tears remind him you are going home to try again another day. Of course prep him with info before hand.
IE "We are going to the park, you have to hold my hand from the car to the swings, and stay in the wood chip area."
So long as you are willing to go home after only 5 minutes if need be. (he is two, pick him up kicking if need be) eventually your visit will be long and fun, rather than short and painful.
Also, IMO, Pack less stuff, it is better for your back.
August 22nd, 2010 at 10:55 pm 1282514143
August 24th, 2010 at 12:16 am 1282605374
Even those of us with school-age kids are counting the days until school starts.
August 24th, 2010 at 05:49 am 1282625362
I cut coupons and 'refunded' to pay for a few hours of daycare each week so I could get a break now and then. I took the older ones to library hour and carried the youngest while I looked at books...the library was quiet.
I met a couple young moms there and we got together for play dates...
Bottom line...IT GOT BETTER. I am now a gramma...and am very blessed. Try to carve out small breaks. Burning out is not an option...nor is it healthy for you or your family. Take care of YOU so you can continue to take care of them.
Good luck...
August 25th, 2010 at 12:12 am 1282691569
A tip on the leash/backpack: take your son to Target with you and see if he likes any of the animal ones they have. He might be more willing to wear it if he picks it out -- my son loved his monkey backpack/leash.
August 30th, 2010 at 07:40 pm 1283193642
Mine are now 10 and 12. I remember in the airport changing both diapers at once on the ground (with a double sized mat I sewed myself!) - no matter if one was dry to save time.
OK---------the secret??
Get in a mom/play group. There was not one in my immediate area, so I just STARTED ONE!!
It was a sanity keeper. Just being with other moms with little kids to (mostly complain!) talk and let the kid's steam out every week or more saved me.
My sis has a 4 year old and she can finally get a bit of free lance art done. Can you imagine?
And as I told her, it doesn't get easier, just DIFFERENT!! Not as physically exhausting, now more psychologically so. THANKS that mine have learned good judgment and we will be OK with the drugs, sex and alcohol years...RIGHT???!!!
September 10th, 2010 at 06:07 pm 1284138434