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Hubby is not sticking to the PLAN!!

October 22nd, 2010 at 06:44 pm

I'm a little annoyed. Hubby and I talked about our Christmas/Holiday plan for this year in July. We are both anxious to avoid another train wreck like last year, or really, every year since we've been married.

I won't get into it here, but let's just say it's always a disaster that ends up with his parents either inviting themselves and barging in bossing everyone around OR calling on Christmas day trying to make their son feel guilty that they aren't there ( it doesn't seem to register that they get Thanksgiving every year, and my family gets nothing. They just assume they should have both).

So, we wanted to talk about our new holiday plan with both families before the season started and expectations ans feelings get all crazy and emotional.

The plan is for us to have Christmas with just the kids this year. Thanksgiving at with his family (which involves a 16-hour drive with two toddlers. woo-hoo.) Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas just us. It was going to be a slice if heaven.

I told my family about the change. He told his mom we weren't coming for christmas and she pitched a fit. The plan was to have a mini christmas with all of their traditions and the gingerbread house with thwe kids, etc. while we are there over Thanksgiving, but hubby didn't say one word about that part. A part that I think would have made her feel better.

I don't know why he can't stick to the plan and stand up for what we've already talked about. It's his job to manage his parents. I manage mine.

So, I went out on a limb today and emailed the MIL and asked her if she wanted to do the mini Christmas. No reply. We'l see if she's busy or passive aggressive.

Granted, these people had no interest in gifts and have no Christmas traditions, but act like they are getting shot in the stomach if they aren't there for every major holiday, even if it is at the expense of my family. It's infuriating. (And it was like this even before we had kids....)

I'm really drawing a line here. We're doing the holidays this way. Period. If hubby is to wimpy to lay down the law, I will.

Last Christmas was so awful it was almost divorce-worthy. We were still fighting about it in June!!!

12 Responses to “Hubby is not sticking to the PLAN!!”

  1. whitestripe Says:

    ugh. yeah, a few years ago I realised christmas is always going to be weird with DF and I, seeing as both of our parents are divorced and don't get along at all. usually we just spend it with DF's mums side of the family - as my mum and his dad aren't into the christmassy stuff (but like your DF's parents, pitch a fit anyway, like they are missing out on something, even though we'd probably all end up arguing about pointless crap anyway). My dad lives two states away, and I sure would love to have a christmas with him soon, as I haven't since I was a little girl. you've reminded me to talk to df about that! Smile

  2. baselle Says:

    I think every generation has to do their own thing and break away from the generation previously. I wonder what "traditions" your MIL escaped from from her MIL.

  3. campfrugal Says:

    I can feel your pain. Although my parents are deceased and were very acommodating, my MIL usually starts some type of drama over the Holidays. Just a couple weeks ago, she told my SIL that she was having Thanksgiving.

    We don't usually get together for Thanksgiving, but she is already starting her crap. It is just so she can make sure that her boys are argueing with their wives.

  4. NJDebbie Says:

    I'm all for keeping the peace but you must stand firm on this one. Stick to your plans and you probably won't have to fight about this one next year.

  5. MonkeyMama Says:

    Good luck!

    This sounds VERY similar to our situation. I've personally given up on the Christmas battle. Dh is firm that Christmas day is at our house only (so we don't drag the kids anywhere) and we've told his parents a million times that they aren't invited. But the more we are assertive the more drama there is. It's frankly easier just to let her get her way - sorry to say. If we stand firm, the drama just NEVER ends. The whole month of December (& many months after) becomes, "YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" I frankly give up. & it is the same thing over and over and over.

    What has helped me to remember that we won't have her long and to just cherish our time (probably more helpful due to the last year of almost losing my dad, etc.). Lord help me if she lives to be 105!

    I think my BIGGEST frustration is if she could just go crash her daughter's Christmas once in a blue moon. One Christmas without all the drama would be nice. (& believe me - I am sure she hears it all too - but I think she skips town every christmas - smart girl!) I'd even be okay with every other year at this point - but apparently that is too much to ask. She has a hundred relatives but she couldn't possibly spend Christmas with anyone else ever. Rolleyes
    Well, you got me started!

  6. MonkeyMama Says:

    NJDebbie - I am not so sure it works like that. People like that want to fight about it every single darn year. It's so exhausting!!!!

  7. momcents Says:

    The rules that I've instituted after 12 years of parenting:
    (1) Christmas morning is not an open event. Guests may join us after 3:00 PM when I serve dinner. This applies to my inlaws who live out of state. If they want to make drama, it can be on 12/26. Until then, you can come and eat dinner and watch "A Christmas Story" and play wii games.
    (2) We invite everyone to join us for Mass at 3:00 Christmas Eve. This includes family and friends who might not even be Catholic (chagrin to MIL).
    (3) Other non-holiday rules: My events are "dry". I have people who don't handle liquor well and can get ugly. I have actually said to my FIL's "Do you mind if I go get beer?" "Yes, I do mind."
    (4) If you are an overnight guest in my home, you will attend Mass with us as a family. Our family and friends all know this. Yet my MIL will say, "Oh, your FIL wants to take a shower while we're at Church." And I have to point out that as the patriarch of husband's family, he will be attending Mass with us because it is the right thing to do.
    Might I be considered difficult? Yes, I see that. But when the disruptive influence causes chaos, my rules trump.
    Good for you. What you do now will only get easier in the future. And I seem to recall the posts about the aunt last year and hotel reservations and someone being rude to your mom. STICK TO THE PLAN!

  8. Homebody Says:

    I am 150% behind all of you who are standing up to family. What is it about MIL's with their sons?? I think I posted on Monkey's entry about this issue that I gave up my hopes and dreams of holiday traditions for my MIL's for 25 YEARS!!

    My advice having been married for 32 years is make your own traditions. I vowed when YD married that I would never pressure my children about the holidays and I will not.

    My MIL had Christmas Eve for 25 years. Oh the alcohol, oh the fights....ridiculous looking back at it now. In fact it makes me cry sitting here.... must be menopause or fibromyalgia or who knows???

    Just stick to your guns ladies!!

  9. Homebody Says:

    I am 150% behind all of you who are standing up to family. What is it about MIL's with their sons?? I think I posted on Monkey's entry about this issue that I gave up my hopes and dreams of holiday traditions for my MIL's for 25 YEARS!!

    My advice having been married for 32 years is make your own traditions. I vowed when YD married that I would never pressure my children about the holidays and I will not.

    My MIL had Christmas Eve for 25 years. Oh the alcohol, oh the fights....ridiculous looking back at it now. In fact it makes me cry (literally) sitting here.... must be my menopause or fibromyalgia or I am just sad about it...

    Just stick to your guns ladies!!

  10. MonkeyMama Says:

    P.S. I just want to add that I think you should stick to your guns, indeed. I mean, this is divorce worthy stuff.

    In my case it's 5 hours with a well-behaved MIL (no drunks or anything like that) OR drama drama drama that NEVER ends. I choose the 5 hours. I don't think you have such a simple compromise. & if you give an inch, they may take a mile, anyway. But, when the situation is impossible, the only thing you can change is your own attitude, at times.

    Though honestly, if my husband wasn't so assertive with his mom, our marriage would be over long ago. I know he has to battle with her all the time, and that he stands up for me and his family, so I can give a wee bit when I have to. If not for that, I couldn't handle this marriage, myself.

  11. Ima saver Says:

    Wow, I guess it is not so bad having no family. It has been just us, alone, for 33 years. I like it like that!

  12. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    Our drive to DH's parents was also about 16 hours. I actually chose to spend a few Christmases alone, while DH and son drove there! Don't even know what his parents thought about that! If they were offended or hurt, they seem to have managed it well.

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