Ok, so I know the SPIRIT of Christmas is kindness and good cheer and all that. I am going to rant about this even at the risk of sounding like an awful person.
This is the first year we are hosting Christmas, with my family and the in-laws together all at our house. That isn't a problem. I was really looking forward to it-- until today.
The in-laws are driving in from New England, which is great.
The problem is that hubby has an aunt who is one of the most unsavory people I have ever met, and she is coming with them. She is super negative and always blurts out rude and offensive comments at every gathering. She is generous, but always with a catch or some sort of weirdness attached to it.
She is a hoarder who lives alone in a house filled with garbage and boxes piled to the ceiling, she is diabetic but doesn't treat it, so she is half blind on pain pills and limping everywhere from the sores on her feet and legs. This means we will have to go extra out of our way to take care of her, even though no on really wants to. (Sounds mean, but it's true)
But the icing on the cake?? She tried to molest my hubby when he was a young teen.
Well, I just found out that she is tagging along for Christmas. It is a big deal because her own family doesn't like her and doesn't want her to come, but they all feel too guilty not to invite her. Basically, they feel obligated to bring her, even though no one really wants to spend the holiday with her, just because she has no one else in her life.
I feel like we are all being made to suffer for her dysfunction and her life choices. And I'm not super comfortable having a woman who put the moves on her own nephew around my two young sons. I don't trust her judgment because it is very clear it's not good.
I know this sounds terribly mean, but you can't possibly know what a black cloud she carries with her. every word otu of her mouth is awful. She is either telling some story about how her mother tolder her she would get raped if she didn't run right home from school (!!!!) or saying that people who do certain jobs are morally reprehensible and dirty ( I had to laugh because on the last visit, she went on and on about how truck drivers are evil...) This woman has been kicked out of church and civic groups for making mean comments! How hard is it to get kicked out of the church choir??
If she weren't such a mean person, this wouldn't be an issue. I can't fault people for their health or their choices, but please, people, be nice. Who wants to hang out with someone who is bitter, dysfunctional, and clearly has some mental health issues?
Unwelcome Christmas guest...God help me.
December 13th, 2009 at 06:24 pm
December 13th, 2009 at 06:39 pm 1260729559
December 13th, 2009 at 06:54 pm 1260730476
December 13th, 2009 at 06:57 pm 1260730642
it's hard when it is family, i understand. but once you finally do take the stand, you will feel soooo much better.
I am still trying to figure out how to tell my older brother he is not welcome in our house next time his family visits our state. (He steals things and goes through our stuff - DF shared a house with him once and knew this, and then last year he stayed with his wife and young son, and blatantly lied about something being his when DF had loaned it to him on the first day he arrived).
December 13th, 2009 at 07:07 pm 1260731243
I make that case and I get "Well she doesn't have anyone else."
She doesn't have anyone else because she is mean....
December 13th, 2009 at 08:08 pm 1260734938
Last year I had to make a judgement call like this and it was rough but I made it and stand by it today. A particular person who was involved with one of my sisters is not welcome in my home because my nephew claims he tried to molest him. It was years ago but I believe my nephew and the man is simply not welcome. Period. I told the entire family that and that they could come to my place and enjoy the get together without the person or not, the choice was up to them. He didn't attend and they did.
I feel for you...
December 13th, 2009 at 08:33 pm 1260736406
December 13th, 2009 at 09:52 pm 1260741138
I am an inch from telling them that knowing she comes along with every holiday is a disincentive to invite all of them. I don't want to have to have her here every time I invite the in-laws for Christmas. Since last year,they have complained that they miss out on Christmas with the babies. (We usually split the holidays, Thanksgiving with them, Christmas with mine) Well, this is why.
December 14th, 2009 at 01:39 am 1260754754
December 14th, 2009 at 03:56 am 1260763007
1. You and your husband call her yourself. Don't let the enabler wing of your family shield her.
2. Lay down the law to her directly - your house rules (if "the plan" is for her to stay with you), no mean, no molestation, no rape stories, etc.
3. Tell her what will happen if she does not follow house rules. This is your exit strategy. It might be a hotel room that she will pay for, it might be a plane ticket back to whence she came.
4. Extract from her the understanding of the rules.
When she shows:
Remind her of that nice call you had with her. Be a reasonable host. If she strays and by how much, you have to decide when to implement exit strategy.
Hopefully you have three possibilities, set up long distance: You get into a fight with her right away and she doesn't want to come; you establish the house rules and exit strategy should she stray; she might behave.
It could be that you generate such a snit that no one will come, but that somehow seems a slight possibility.
Now I've never tried this, so I might well be talking through my butt, but somehow being the hostess of this whole soiree and just having finished producing a second grandchild for the family (!) means that you have a certain amount of power here. At least I'd play the cards before the face to face.
December 14th, 2009 at 04:54 am 1260766484
December 14th, 2009 at 12:57 pm 1260795470
Tell them, "Due to Unforseen Circumstances, you will not be available for Christmas".
December 14th, 2009 at 04:22 pm 1260807767
If you don't feel comfortable and have even the remotest hint of feeling that your children are at risk, please don't let this woman come around. Mothers have instincts for a reason. Last year I told my FIL that he couldn't bring liquor into my home and I told my father and his GF to skip coming over as they were fighting. Was it easy? No, because you want people to get along and be charitable, and the disagreeable behaviors I was attempting to quash were drunkeness and fighting, nothing as serious as molestation attempts, etc.
It is for your family's peace of mind, I would say "sorry, don't come."
December 14th, 2009 at 05:25 pm 1260811501
She is also the only guest staying in a hotel. We have a convenient excuse-- she chain smokes, which we don't allow, and we no longer have the extra room now that both guest rooms are baby rooms.
Hubby is dreading Christmas. We talked about it last night. He is ONLY dreading it because she is coming. Otherwise, we both agreed it would probably have been fun for everyone. His parents also complained last night that we are not allowing them to stay for a very long visit. (3 days) Hubby didn't say it, but should have-- the reason is because this Aunt is coming with them. We don't want to be around her any more than necessary, and because of her poor health, she can't stay long anyway.