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Home > Unwelcome Christmas guest...God help me.
 

Unwelcome Christmas guest...God help me.

December 13th, 2009 at 10:24 am

Ok, so I know the SPIRIT of Christmas is kindness and good cheer and all that. I am going to rant about this even at the risk of sounding like an awful person.

This is the first year we are hosting Christmas, with my family and the in-laws together all at our house. That isn't a problem. I was really looking forward to it-- until today.

The in-laws are driving in from New England, which is great.

The problem is that hubby has an aunt who is one of the most unsavory people I have ever met, and she is coming with them. She is super negative and always blurts out rude and offensive comments at every gathering. She is generous, but always with a catch or some sort of weirdness attached to it.

She is a hoarder who lives alone in a house filled with garbage and boxes piled to the ceiling, she is diabetic but doesn't treat it, so she is half blind on pain pills and limping everywhere from the sores on her feet and legs. This means we will have to go extra out of our way to take care of her, even though no on really wants to. (Sounds mean, but it's true)

But the icing on the cake?? She tried to molest my hubby when he was a young teen.

Well, I just found out that she is tagging along for Christmas. It is a big deal because her own family doesn't like her and doesn't want her to come, but they all feel too guilty not to invite her. Basically, they feel obligated to bring her, even though no one really wants to spend the holiday with her, just because she has no one else in her life.

I feel like we are all being made to suffer for her dysfunction and her life choices. And I'm not super comfortable having a woman who put the moves on her own nephew around my two young sons. I don't trust her judgment because it is very clear it's not good.

I know this sounds terribly mean, but you can't possibly know what a black cloud she carries with her. every word otu of her mouth is awful. She is either telling some story about how her mother tolder her she would get raped if she didn't run right home from school (!!!!) or saying that people who do certain jobs are morally reprehensible and dirty ( I had to laugh because on the last visit, she went on and on about how truck drivers are evil...) This woman has been kicked out of church and civic groups for making mean comments! How hard is it to get kicked out of the church choir??

If she weren't such a mean person, this wouldn't be an issue. I can't fault people for their health or their choices, but please, people, be nice. Who wants to hang out with someone who is bitter, dysfunctional, and clearly has some mental health issues?

13 Responses to “Unwelcome Christmas guest...God help me.”

  1. Chris P. Says:

    A person who tried to molest someone in my family would not be welcome in my home. Period. Tell your family that she is not welcome. If anyone asks why, tell them the truth.

  2. NJDebbie Says:

    I was just going to say the samething Chris P. did. You need to stand firm on this. Don't let her manipulate the situation.

  3. whitestripe Says:

    I agree with chris p. christmas is about kindness and good cheer, yes, but at some point you have to look out for yourself and your family too. you don't have to bend over backwards for someone like that.

    it's hard when it is family, i understand. but once you finally do take the stand, you will feel soooo much better.

    I am still trying to figure out how to tell my older brother he is not welcome in our house next time his family visits our state. (He steals things and goes through our stuff - DF shared a house with him once and knew this, and then last year he stayed with his wife and young son, and blatantly lied about something being his when DF had loaned it to him on the first day he arrived).

  4. thriftorama Says:

    I've told hubby and his mother how I feel and they are both like "well she's family." I'm sorry, but she isn't your immediate family. She's an aunt. I have an aunt and several cousins I no longer ask round because of their serious issues, why is this different?

    I make that case and I get "Well she doesn't have anyone else."

    She doesn't have anyone else because she is mean....

  5. DeniseNTexas Says:

    This is one where you have to take a stand and do what you believe/know to be right. Even if you simply didn't like her that's reason enough to not invite her. "She's family" isn't reason enough to allow her presence. It's your holiday, too.

    Last year I had to make a judgement call like this and it was rough but I made it and stand by it today. A particular person who was involved with one of my sisters is not welcome in my home because my nephew claims he tried to molest him. It was years ago but I believe my nephew and the man is simply not welcome. Period. I told the entire family that and that they could come to my place and enjoy the get together without the person or not, the choice was up to them. He didn't attend and they did.

    I feel for you...

  6. Lisa Says:

    I certainly hope that at the very least they are staying in a hotel. You can say, "The boys need to sleep, so please don't come in the morning until XX:XX."

  7. thriftorama Says:

    As I have said, I have made my thoughts about this clear, but yet no one in her family is willing to uninvite her or simply not invite her in the first place. It's not my place to call her and tell her to stay home. It's my hubby and his family's. But, they insist that we HAVE to have her, just because she's alone.

    I am an inch from telling them that knowing she comes along with every holiday is a disincentive to invite all of them. I don't want to have to have her here every time I invite the in-laws for Christmas. Since last year,they have complained that they miss out on Christmas with the babies. (We usually split the holidays, Thanksgiving with them, Christmas with mine) Well, this is why.

  8. DeniseNTexas Says:

    Well, I really hate that you're in this position. If your husband is okay with it then I guess you need to suck it up and just grin and bear it, which really stinks. I'd think he'd not want her around, either, and would be willing to take a stand in it but I know the family stuff is really hard. Maybe you can start talking to him about it after this year is over and get him to agree with you. Good luck!

  9. baselle Says:

    I'm kind of tempted to suggest this possibility:

    1. You and your husband call her yourself. Don't let the enabler wing of your family shield her.
    2. Lay down the law to her directly - your house rules (if "the plan" is for her to stay with you), no mean, no molestation, no rape stories, etc.
    3. Tell her what will happen if she does not follow house rules. This is your exit strategy. It might be a hotel room that she will pay for, it might be a plane ticket back to whence she came.
    4. Extract from her the understanding of the rules.

    When she shows:
    Remind her of that nice call you had with her. Be a reasonable host. If she strays and by how much, you have to decide when to implement exit strategy.

    Hopefully you have three possibilities, set up long distance: You get into a fight with her right away and she doesn't want to come; you establish the house rules and exit strategy should she stray; she might behave.

    It could be that you generate such a snit that no one will come, but that somehow seems a slight possibility.

    Now I've never tried this, so I might well be talking through my butt, but somehow being the hostess of this whole soiree and just having finished producing a second grandchild for the family (!) means that you have a certain amount of power here. At least I'd play the cards before the face to face.

  10. lizajane Says:

    Oh, I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. I honestly don't know what I'd so, since I am kind of a wimp at things like this. But, it IS your party and it seems rude of the family to insist that she come along, knowing how you feel. Why can't they have a special visit with her before or after the holiday if they feel so strongly that she shouldn't be alone?? I know several people that celebrate with extended family members either before or after the holiday since it's not physically possible for them to do everything in one day.

  11. campfrugal Says:

    I guess I am having a problem with your husband not standing up for himself and his family, especially if you have children. For myself, I would have no problem telling someone they are not welcome in my home, for the protection and sake of my children; and I wouldn't care how many people's feelings I hurt. Just because it is Christmas doesn't give someone a pass to possibly molest your own children and put you in a really rotten position.

    Tell them, "Due to Unforseen Circumstances, you will not be available for Christmas".

  12. momcents Says:


    If you don't feel comfortable and have even the remotest hint of feeling that your children are at risk, please don't let this woman come around. Mothers have instincts for a reason. Last year I told my FIL that he couldn't bring liquor into my home and I told my father and his GF to skip coming over as they were fighting. Was it easy? No, because you want people to get along and be charitable, and the disagreeable behaviors I was attempting to quash were drunkeness and fighting, nothing as serious as molestation attempts, etc.

    It is for your family's peace of mind, I would say "sorry, don't come."

  13. thriftorama Says:

    I don't think there's any chance she will molest my sons. She is way too old, broken, disabled and out of it to do anything. And, she will never be alone with my children. We'll have a house full of people the whole time. But, the fact that she did put the make on my hubby is enough for me to not want her around, but apparently it isn't enough for my in-laws. I think they just don't want to deal with it or with her, so they make excuses for her.

    She is also the only guest staying in a hotel. We have a convenient excuse-- she chain smokes, which we don't allow, and we no longer have the extra room now that both guest rooms are baby rooms.

    Hubby is dreading Christmas. We talked about it last night. He is ONLY dreading it because she is coming. Otherwise, we both agreed it would probably have been fun for everyone. His parents also complained last night that we are not allowing them to stay for a very long visit. (3 days) Hubby didn't say it, but should have-- the reason is because this Aunt is coming with them. We don't want to be around her any more than necessary, and because of her poor health, she can't stay long anyway.

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